Life Unexpected

“Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.”  – Buddha

I wish I had read that quote sooner.  Growing up, and especially after high school, I had my life mapped out.  I am positive I am not the only person to think this way, either.  First, I was going to go to college and become a Kindergarten teacher.  Then, eventually, I would get married and have two children by the age 30.  We would buy a house, I would be a stay at home mom while my husband worked.  We would all be happy, healthy, and living an awesome life.

Not everything happened the way I had planned.  I went to college, starting out studying elementary education.  I decided my first semester after my basics that it was not right for me, and have since gone back and forth on what I “want to be when I grow up.”  I am still not sure, even over 120 credit hours later.  I did get married to my incredibly supportive husband, Michael.  After fours years of marriage, we had a daughter, Samantha.  This is the point in which I realized my life was not turning out the way I had planned.

I have dealt with depression before.  My husband, then fiance, was deployed to Iraq for the first time in 2003.  I didn’t know what to expect, I was worried sick and in a constant state of sadness.  It was nothing compared to what I have lived with the last four years, but depression is depression.  If I had known then that it runs in my family on my mother’s side, I might have been more prepared to handle what was to come, or at least recognize the signs.  Unfortunately I just blew it off like it was something that was a one time thing because of the situation.

Now, for the last four years I have been living with a depression I consider somewhat severe.   I did not seek help for a while, and when I finally did it was blown off as hormonal.  I was even called a bitch by my doctor in a poor attempt to describe my mood swings.  After that I just blew it off as PMS-like as well, and a little over four years after my daughter was born am I now just looking into psychiatrists to help me.  I have had horrible thoughts run through my head, thoughts of pain and hurt towards my daughter and myself.  I have felt indifferent, angry, happy, sad, content, shame, confusion, love, hatred and nothing (sometimes even all in one day).  I have felt normal, and like an outcast.  Obviously this is nothing like I had expected my life as a mommy to be.  Thankfully I have had some wonderful family and friends help me get through the initial shock and shame I felt when I realized this was not how it was supposed to be, or even should be.

I am just now realizing my life has not turned out the way I had expected it to, but I am also realizing that it’s OK.  We may not have another child as planned, but that is OK.  I am far from being healthy mentally, but I am taking the steps needed to get that way so I can enjoy the life that I am living.  My daughter needs a mommy who wants to be, and can be there in the moment with her.  This is life, and we only live it once.  I want to be able to enjoy it with my family and friends, even if it’s a life unexpected.


7 thoughts on “Life Unexpected

  1. I have first-hand experience of living with a parent who suffered periodically from profound depression. It is a terrible, terrible illness, both for the person concerned and for those who love them. The word that stood out in your post to me was ‘shame’. There is still a stigma attached to depression. I think you are courageous to write this blog. I hope you continue with it; it could become a resource and support for others, and a valuable outlet for you too.

    This post is very honest and moving.

    • “shame”….. “depression”….. this disease sucks!!! living with a mom who suffered with it and now myself and seeing the hell that you are going through just makes me wonder how many other moms are suffering in silence? do they have an outlet? are their kids in danger?

      • There are probably more than we can count. I have read that there are roughly 10% of Americans suffering from some level of depression. I feel like that may be low. I also feel like the amount it costs to see a doctor with or without insurance keeps people from getting proper treatment.

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