I would like to start by posting a couple of phone numbers for everyone.  These numbers are for suicide prevention lifelines.  While calling 911 or seeking help at an emergency room is best, these lifelines are there when you need help and need to talk.  If you are suicidal, please seek help by calling 911 or one of these lifelines:

  • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
  • The Trevor Project:  866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)

In the US, over 34,000 people die from suicide (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, CDC 2007).  It is also the third leading cause of death among 15 to 24-year-olds, with only accidents and homicides occurring more frequently (National Adolescent Health Information 2006).  This is alarming, especially since suicide is preventable.

Below is a list of warning signs for suicide:

  • Increased Isolation – From family and friends
  • Alcohol or Drug Use Increases
  • Expression of negative attitude toward self
  • Expression of hopelessness or helplessness
  • Change in Regular Behavior
  • Loss of interest in usual activities
  • Giving away valued possessions
  • Expression of a lack of future orientation (i.e. “It won’t matter soon anyway”)
  • Expressing Suicidal Feelings
  • Signs of Depression
  • Describes a Specific Plan for Suicide
  • History of Suicide in the Family
  • A person who has been extremely depressed in the past may be at an increased risk for suicide if the depression begins to cease, as they may now have the psychological energy to follow through on a suicidal ideation. (The Trevor Project 2010, http://www.thetrevorproject.org/suicide-resources/suicidal-signs)

I understand the thoughts, and the wanting to end the pain.  I have been there myself.  I had no reason to feel that way other than my head was messed up from the depression.  I suffered no hardships, no tragedies had occurred, nothing that stood out besides my depression.  Depression hurts, whether it’s due to a chemical imbalance or tragedy and pain.  On several occasions I had thoughts of suicide.  I just wanted to end the pain my depression caused mentally and physically.  Whenever I would have suicidal thoughts, I would just crumble and cry.  I felt ashamed for having such thoughts.  I thought I was weak and pathetic.  I now think I was much stronger than I gave myself credit for.  It took a lot of strength and courage to not go through with it.

I am constantly thinking about one day in particular.  It was just a typical day, except kiddo was a bit cranky.  I had woken up feeling cranky myself, and indifferent.  As the morning went on, I found myself on the verge of tears.  Kiddo was fussy, and I could not handle it anymore.  I sent a text message to my husband to vent.  I had told him I couldn’t handle her anymore, that I was frustrated.  By the time he had sent a message back (he was at work), kiddo and I had fallen asleep in our bed.  Michael came rushing home when I had not responded.  He found us asleep, and he went back to work.  Later he came home for a late lunch, and asked me why I did not respond to him.  I told him I did not hear it because we had gone down for a much-needed nap.  He went on to tell me how he was worried since I had not responded, and I knew he was thinking I might had hurt myself or our daughter.  When I figured that out, I got upset and defensive.  I yelled at him and turned it around on him, to make him look like the bad guy for accusing me of such horrible things.  I did this because I felt ashamed that he had an idea of how I was feeling.  I never talked to him about my suicidal thoughts.  I never told him I had thoughts of hurting our daughter.  Why would I?  I didn’t want him to think I was a horrible mother, or a weak person.

He figured me out.  He knows me better than most people, so I am not sure why I was surprised that he knew this about me without ever hearing it from me.  That was when I started to figure out how to get help.  I knew I needed help before, but I was worried that if I told someone the thoughts I was having, they would commit me or take my daughter away.  I would have died if that had ever happened.  However, I could not let that stand in the way of me getting better.  If I let it drag on any longer, who knows what would have happened.

Suicide is preventable.  If you or someone you know is suicidal, please call 911 or go to the emergency room.  Do not leave them by themselves.

Your life is worth saving.  It may not seem like it when you have those feelings of just wanting to the pain to go away, but it is worth going through the treatment and time to make yourself better.  I am not saying it will be easy, but it is worth it.  I am far from being 100% myself, but I at least see the things that make my life worth saving.  Please know you are not alone.  Please know that there are people out there that care, even if you do not know them yet.  ❤


3 thoughts on “Worthy

  1. i am so glad that you posted this. again, i cried when i was reading this because i relate to it. i recall a few days when i was pregnant, wishing something awful would happen and my pregnancy would just end. i blamed my pregnancy for my depression and i thought if it was that bad at that time, it would certainley be worse when he got here. of course i hate myself now for thinking that cause my kid is my heart but it does not change the fact that times were really that bad at that moment that i had that thought. i do recall a night when he was a few months old thinking that i could not go on anymore…. on days like this, i have found that the thought of anyone else raising my son, is enough to keep me going! however, on this night i was so down and blue and i wanted to just be gone from everything. i had my keys in my hand and was ready to go to the ER to ask for help because i knew i was not ok. i got in my car and then stopped because i did not want the people at the ER thinking that i was crazy and then trying to have my child taken away from me and i did not want to hear from my friends (if they found out), “why didnt you just call me?” so i went back in and rocked my kid to sleep (no he was not in the house alone) and i went to bed. i told my boss the next day (also my OB) about what happened, she assured me that they would not take my kid away unless i had thoughts of hurting him (i did not of course) but damn i felt like such a failure at that very moment. she suggested that i seek professional help and increase my zoloft dosage. i am just so glad to know that i am not the only one that took time to adjust to life as “MOM”. and i agree with the person that said things are different for everyone, we all adjust to things in our own time. But when you have these thoughts, you feel like no one in the world will understand you and you also feel like people will certainley judge you for your feelings!!!

    • There are people out there that judge, unfortunately. Like I have said before, its hard to understand unless you experience it. Adjusting to motherhood is hard, but doing it with PPD is sometimes unbearable. There is a book by Brooke Shields that I recommend, though the name escapes me right now. Its about her experiences with severe PPD.

  2. It was very brave of you to write about this and I’m glad you were able to get to the other side. Although statistics for depression are put out to the public every 6 months or so in relation to a news story, or scientific research (at least here in the UK), it never ceases to amaze me how many depressed people there are, once they come out and admit it. Thank you.

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