I have no motivation today. I suppose I must have some if I am writing this blog, since my goal has been to write one every day. However, when it comes to anything else, I really could care less. I just want to sit outside, read a book, and let kiddo play on the playground. Darn the desert for being so hot in the summer!
Part of my attitude today comes from my emergency room visit. Our Naval Hospital here uses the ER as a spill-over clinic, so if you can’t get an appointment for the same day, then you will probably be referred to the ER. I needed to go into the doctor today for my back. I hurt it a couple of years ago pretty bad, and it has been out of whack ever since. It did not get better with time as my original doctor stated. I got a chance to go to the ER today while husband was on lunch, so I went and sat in the waiting room for an hour until they called me back. Triage, the nurse taking me to my room, and the doctor all asked me the exact same questions, and got the exact same answers. The doctor pokes around my back where it hurts, and it doesn’t bother me until he pokes one particular spot. I cringe, shoot up straight, and almost cry it hurt so bad. Despite the fact I tell him my toes are tingly, my legs and hip hurt, and how it got hurt in the first place, he gives me motrin and a prescription for a medicine he calls a narcotic. He then goes on to say I do not need an x-ray, and to be careful with the medicine as it can cause severe drowsiness and make my depression worse. Nice.
He didn’t listen to me that when I stretch or bend, I can feel the vertebrae separating. He didn’t listen to a few other things I said, and just assumed by touching it was a tendon problem. This bothers me, and worries me about my search for a doctor to help me with my depression. I have not had a wonderful experience with a doctor in a long time. I do not want the same thing to happen with a mental health doctor. I need to find one, and am going to find one, but the fear is still there. Where are all the good doctors??
The other part of my attitude today comes from my strange mind and a book. I have not read a book in a while. I have talked about it in a previous entry before. I have an incredibly hard time concentrating, my mind wanders into other things not really related to what I am reading or doing. I got a Nook for Christmas last year, and have been reading a bit more. I downloaded a book called “Room” by Emma Donoghue. It’s incredibly disturbing, but I can’t put it down because I want to know what happens to the mom and boy. It is wonderfully written in the point of view of the five-year old boy. I have not completed it yet, but after I put it down today I found myself thinking and feeling like the mom and boy must have felt. If you have not read it, it’s about a woman who is kidnapped, has a baby with the abductor, lives in a room shut off to the outside world and they can not leave, but they escape eventually. That’s about as far as I am now.
I was putting letters on the wall around kiddo’s play-doh table so she would have another way of learning them. As I was doing that, I started to feel anxious and panicky, like I was trapped. I started to think like the mom in the book, and figure out how to get out. I found myself even talking to kiddo in the way the mom does when they are still trapped in the room. I felt like her, which was very strange. I have never been trapped like she was, I have freedom. I can go anywhere, do anything, say anything. Then I started thinking about it, and the room they are trapped in is a lot like my depression, and the mom and boy being stuck there as captives is how I feel when I am feeling my depression. Quite a leap, I think, but it hit me why this book was so wonderful to me. It’s like a metaphor for my mind. When they get out of the room and are adjusting to the real world (the mom knows the real world, but the boy has never been outside the room), it’s how I feel when I am not feeling depressed. I feel like I am adjusting to the real world again, like I do not remember how I am supposed to behave, or who I am for that matter.
Now I just feel like I am rambling because I am still pondering this new metaphor. It’s kind of deep, isn’t it? I think I just impressed myself.