Hurt

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liar’s chair

Full of broken thoughts

I can not repair.  ~ Trent Reznor, but also performed by Johnny Cash (my favorite version)

I am not sure of the meaning that Trent had for these lyrics, and they might quite possibly have a different meaning for me.  For him it was probably about drug addiction, but I have found meaning in it for me, as well.  My crown of thorns is my depression, which I have been lying to myself and others about.  My head is definitely full of broken thoughts, quite obviously if you have read my previous entries, and I have yet to be able to fix them myself.  I am sure it is possible with the right treatment, but I have yet to be able to on my own.

This song has held a special place in my heart.  While it’s obviously about one thing, it is so well written that the lyrics can be placed into a lot of different scenarios, not just addiction.  I have been listening to it a lot this week.  I have found myself in another depressive episode, if that’s what it’s called.  I have felt so many emotions in such a short amount of time that it’s been exhausting.  I have moved between happy, sad, indifferent, angry, and content so much, it’s no wonder I just want to sleep. Depression hurts.  Those commercials don’t lie.

I started crying last night after I realized what was going on with me.  I snapped at kiddo for absolutely nothing, and the look on her face broke my heart.  She asked me if I was ok, if I hurt.  That’s when the tears started to flow.  She knows me, even at four.

I am so glad I found a doctor to see about this.  Maybe now I can get some therapy, and some good medicines.  I just hope they are good, and do not blow me off like past doctors.  I am tired of feeling this way.  I want to feel normal again.  I do not ever want to see that look on my daughter’s face again.

For your viewing pleasure, here is Johnny Cash performing “Hurt.”  RIP Mr Cash.

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7 thoughts on “Hurt

  1. I love Cash’s version of that song too. Your experiences with the medical profession seem to have been very negative, which is a terrible thing to negotiate when you are trying to be positive and move forward. I truly hope that your depression will be treated properly this time, and that you will be treated with the respect and care you deserve. My own experiences (not personally, but with a family member as previously mentioned) taught me (wrongly) that depression is something to be hidden and denied; shameful. Your blog is so valuable in helping to dispel these harmful myths. Keep writing!

  2. First, let me commend you on your taste in “pull the curtains and get in bed” music. Those last few albums that Johnny Cash made are amazing, and in my bleakest moments they’re the only voodoo that works.

    Next, let me tell you this about doctors and mental health: Don’t wait for them to tell you what you need — tell them what you need. If you’re ready to try meds, don’t ask but tell: “I can’t do this anymore and I need to be on medication.” They’ll listen, but you have to be your own advocate. Please understand that I know that it isn’t that easy. For me at least the hardest thing to do when I’m down in the hole is to ask for help, much less demand it.

    • You are so right. I think part of my problem with doctors before was not talking about what I wanted. I mean, besides being blown off and told its just bitchy behavior. :). Thank you for that advice. I will remember it.

    • It’s true. No matter how annoyed I get with her, she always has a way of snapping me back into reality and making it melt away. Kids are good at that, annoying the crap out of you, and then making you feel special and loved. 😛

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