I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I can not repair. ~ Trent Reznor, but also performed by Johnny Cash (my favorite version)
I am not sure of the meaning that Trent had for these lyrics, and they might quite possibly have a different meaning for me. For him it was probably about drug addiction, but I have found meaning in it for me, as well. My crown of thorns is my depression, which I have been lying to myself and others about. My head is definitely full of broken thoughts, quite obviously if you have read my previous entries, and I have yet to be able to fix them myself. I am sure it is possible with the right treatment, but I have yet to be able to on my own.
This song has held a special place in my heart. While it’s obviously about one thing, it is so well written that the lyrics can be placed into a lot of different scenarios, not just addiction. I have been listening to it a lot this week. I have found myself in another depressive episode, if that’s what it’s called. I have felt so many emotions in such a short amount of time that it’s been exhausting. I have moved between happy, sad, indifferent, angry, and content so much, it’s no wonder I just want to sleep. Depression hurts. Those commercials don’t lie.
I started crying last night after I realized what was going on with me. I snapped at kiddo for absolutely nothing, and the look on her face broke my heart. She asked me if I was ok, if I hurt. That’s when the tears started to flow. She knows me, even at four.
I am so glad I found a doctor to see about this. Maybe now I can get some therapy, and some good medicines. I just hope they are good, and do not blow me off like past doctors. I am tired of feeling this way. I want to feel normal again. I do not ever want to see that look on my daughter’s face again.
For your viewing pleasure, here is Johnny Cash performing “Hurt.” RIP Mr Cash.