Starting My New Ending

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.   – Maria Robinson

Today is the day I start my new ending.  I start therapy today with a Psychologist, and hopefully a medicinal treatment that works.  I am so nervous, my stomach feels like it’s tangled and knotted.  It’s for my own good, and I know that, but I am so anxious and scared.

Going and talking to a complete stranger about how I have been feeling the last four plus years is going to be hard.  Sure, I have been doing that in this blog, but it’s different here.  Here, I can hide behind my computer screen and pour my heart out without actually looking face to face with someone.  Today I will be sitting in the same room as this Psychologist, someone whom I have never met, and doing the same thing.  Maybe I should just refer him to my blog, and let him read my experiences instead.  I will suggest that.

I imagined this being easier to do.  This is a man who has been psychologically helping people for years.  He studied and has a lot of experience with treatment for depression, and similar illnesses.  He knows what to look for, he knows what to say, he knows how to treat it.  I can’t get over my fear of his judgement, like he is going to think I am a horrible mother, and send the police for my daughter.  The other fear is being sent to the mental hospital in a straight jacket.  I know that wont happen, but those fears keep banging around in my head.

This is the start of my new ending.  I can not go back, and fix the past.  I can not start over, and catch the insanity sooner.  I do not want to go back, and go through the birthing process again, so a new ending is better.  My daughter needs a mommy who can be there for her, and show her how to navigate through life.  I can’t do that well enough right now, so here I go.  I am not the same person I once was, and that’s OK.  This path will hopefully take me to a place of happiness and love, or at least as much as humanly possible.  I am very much looking forward to that.

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4 thoughts on “Starting My New Ending

  1. Don’t expect instant results, it is going to take a few sessions before you start to feel anything working. I’ve just started going back to therapy a month ago, with a doctor who I’ve never worked with before and it is slowly helping my depression. Just remember it can’t make anything worse.

    • No, of course not. I do feel a lot better, just because the initial step is done. When I got home, and talked about it with my husband, I started to relax. I could feel my body loosen up, my mind was calm, and I was happy for once. I became so exhausted. Ha! It was wonderful though.

  2. I kind of only want to talk about my problems with someone I don’t know. I feel like if I went to a psychologist I would never want to get to know him or her in any way. If feel like if I got to know them I’d start to shy away, especially if I liked them in any way because I’d be super afraid of being judged. I don’t know. I guess I’d have to actually live the situation to know which kind of therapy would work best for me.

    I hope things go well for you.

    • I am the same way. However, I am finding that this situation is a little different. I talk to my therapist about my problems, and we in turn develop a relationship. Friends, no, but acquiantences. He is far enough down my totem-pole of relationships that I feel comfortable talking to him, but not high enough for me to clam up. It’s a thin line to walk on.

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