Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. – Maria Robinson
Today is the day I start my new ending. I start therapy today with a Psychologist, and hopefully a medicinal treatment that works. I am so nervous, my stomach feels like it’s tangled and knotted. It’s for my own good, and I know that, but I am so anxious and scared.
Going and talking to a complete stranger about how I have been feeling the last four plus years is going to be hard. Sure, I have been doing that in this blog, but it’s different here. Here, I can hide behind my computer screen and pour my heart out without actually looking face to face with someone. Today I will be sitting in the same room as this Psychologist, someone whom I have never met, and doing the same thing. Maybe I should just refer him to my blog, and let him read my experiences instead. I will suggest that.
I imagined this being easier to do. This is a man who has been psychologically helping people for years. He studied and has a lot of experience with treatment for depression, and similar illnesses. He knows what to look for, he knows what to say, he knows how to treat it. I can’t get over my fear of his judgement, like he is going to think I am a horrible mother, and send the police for my daughter. The other fear is being sent to the mental hospital in a straight jacket. I know that wont happen, but those fears keep banging around in my head.
This is the start of my new ending. I can not go back, and fix the past. I can not start over, and catch the insanity sooner. I do not want to go back, and go through the birthing process again, so a new ending is better. My daughter needs a mommy who can be there for her, and show her how to navigate through life. I can’t do that well enough right now, so here I go. I am not the same person I once was, and that’s OK. This path will hopefully take me to a place of happiness and love, or at least as much as humanly possible. I am very much looking forward to that.