Back At Square One

The title is a little misleading.  I am not completely back to square one, as I am not the kind of depressed I was after kiddo was born.  I am back to square one in my therapy search.

A good therapist is hard to find.  I do not know that for a fact, since I have only seen one in my lifetime.  However, he is not a good therapist, so I am in search of a new one.

It’s not really fair to say he is not a good therapist.  I should say he is not a good therapist FOR ME.  He may be just what someone else needs, but I am not that person.  I need someone who is truly listening to me, not just behaving as if he is by nodding while writing things down.  I need someone who, when he asks me a question, will let me answer it without interruption.  I need someone who wont change the subject to something he feels is more important than what I do.  I am there to seek help for something that is obviously important enough to me, so it should be equally important to him to help me with it.

I am pleased with how I have been the last couple weeks.  I was feeling pretty flat earlier in the time frame, but I am starting to feel a little better.  I think my medications are doing wonders for me.  I am seeing improvements in my focus and concentration.  I have a little more energy, though I am still tired.  Though not as tired as I was last week, so maybe my body is finally catching up.  I WANT to play with kiddo, instead of feeling like I HAVE to.  That is a huge thing for me, and I am so glad it’s finally changing.  I have always felt more like her babysitter than her mom during my depression episodes.  I do not usually want anything to do with her during those times, so having this time of consistent positive wants and behaviors is amazingly wonderful.  I am starting to feel closer to her, and seeing her for more of who she really is.  She is quite the clown, and comedian!

I still have moments of sadness, but it’s controllable!  I got down on myself, and shed a couple of tears earlier.  After reading a fellow PPD mommy’s blog, I started thinking about my postpartum experiences.  I do not remember much of kiddo’s first year or two.  The only things that really stand out are the anger, sadness, and dark thoughts.  I feel so guilty for not remembering anything about how kiddo’s early life.  I do not even have a lot of pictures to look at, at least not in hand.  I have a Snapfish account that contains tons of pictures of her first years, but when I look at them, I do not remember.  I want to remember, I am just not sure how.

I am not on the hunt for a new therapist.  In the mean time, I am going to go to my primary care doctor for medicine, to continue on the 30 mg Prozac.  The therapist doctor only gave me one prescription of 90 pills, which are 10 mg each.  I will call tomorrow morning to make an appointment with my PCM.  At least that way I still have my medication, which is apparently my lifeline between madness and sanity.  I am ok with that.  I feel sane, and somewhat normal again.  Far more so than I have in a very long time.  Writing this blog has been a HUGE help in setting me on the path to normalcy.  I am so proud of this blog, and plan on continuing it, even if it’s with updates like this that may not be all that exciting for you to read.  I also have my friends and family to lean on, and my new #ppdchat friends.

I am looking forward to this new me, and this new life.  I may not be 100%, and I may not be my old self, but I am still awesome.  I will take that any day over the sadness.


8 thoughts on “Back At Square One

  1. I am glad to hear that you’re feeling better and that the meds help. You are definitely right, if you feel that your therapist is not really ‘the one’ for you, don’t hesitate to find someone else. You deserve that. Too many people settled for just an ‘ok’ therapist and just sort of floated around, feeling ‘ok’ but not great.

    I do hope you look for a new therapist soon though. From my own experience, it’s too easy to fall into the trap of feeling ‘Oh, I guess I’m ok now as long as I’m taking meds.’ You need a therapist, because ultimately, he or she can help you with what meds cannot: your thinking patterns and behavior. Yes, some people ended up having to take these meds for the rest of their lives–and rightly so–but you still have to make your best effort to try to not depend on the meds too much.

    Thanks for sharing this with us. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, and that we’re here for you every step of the way 🙂

    • I am definitely going to search for a new therapist. The process of talk therapy is definitely beneficial, especially when you feel guilt and sadness about something, like I do. Thank you for reading, and being so supportive! 🙂

  2. I’ve just been catching up on all your posts. I’m so glad to hear about all the positive things going on in your life. Don’t think your posts have to be exciting! Your insights and observations are so valuable to so many people.

  3. I just found your wonderful blog and I wanted to congratulate you on your achievement. I have personal experience of depression/anxiety and my husband suffers, too [we’re quite a pair!]. My father is also a therapist. Of course, you must find the right therapist for you, but bear in mind that disliking your therapist is often a normal part of the therapeutic process and need not necessarily mean said therapist may not be of grea help to you. Because talking about our difficult feelings can often be scary, and because these feelings are often associated with anger, we may project that onto the therapist who asks us, in therapy, to confront them. Good therapists expect this, indeed, they study this projection at great length as part of qualifying. Of course, there are many bad therapists out there [I’ve met quite a few of them!], so switching therapist is often right. I just thought I’d mention that disliking your therapist and getting past that stage of the therapy process, can lead to great work after that. My husband didn’t like his therapist at all, put up a lot of resistance, then found she was brilliant, so much so, in fact, that after a year, he announced (and she agreed) that he was cured! He’s been well ever since. And just one more thing, in your words, you are awesome. Your sense of humour and warmth and generosity of human spirit comes across so well in your writing. I look forward to reading of your continued journey.

    • The therapist I was seeing would cut me off mind sentence, and change the subject. He would keep changing it to anxiety, which is a problem for me, but I told him from the beginning the reason I was in therapy was to heal from my postpartum. I have a hard time with the guilt from that. I do need to work on my anxiety, but he made me feel like he wasn’t listening to me, and that the issues that were important to me weren’t really important. I dont know, I just wasn’t pleased. There has to be somebody out there who will listen and help me with what I think is most important right now.

  4. I am so proud of you for letting go of your current therapist and finding a new one. To me, that’s a huge step. I fear that so many women stick with their doctor/therapist even though they aren’t helping them much. You’ll find the right one.
    Also good to hear about you moving forward. Just remember that it doesn’t come all at once, it comes in baby steps and you are definitely making them. Yay!!!
    I experienced the “flat” just a few weeks ago after a medication change. It’s awful. I didn’t feel happy or sad…just flat. Kind of like a zombie.
    I don’t remember a lot of good happening in the first year of my son’s life. Often times I feel totally robbed of that, but sometimes I think that it’s my brain’s way of protecting me from all that funk that happened.
    Hang in there. You’re doig awesome

    • Thanks! It’s very hard having only bad memories of those first couple years. I wish my brain had blocked out the bad stuff, like it does with the pain of giving birth. LOL

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