The title is a little misleading. I am not completely back to square one, as I am not the kind of depressed I was after kiddo was born. I am back to square one in my therapy search.
A good therapist is hard to find. I do not know that for a fact, since I have only seen one in my lifetime. However, he is not a good therapist, so I am in search of a new one.
It’s not really fair to say he is not a good therapist. I should say he is not a good therapist FOR ME. He may be just what someone else needs, but I am not that person. I need someone who is truly listening to me, not just behaving as if he is by nodding while writing things down. I need someone who, when he asks me a question, will let me answer it without interruption. I need someone who wont change the subject to something he feels is more important than what I do. I am there to seek help for something that is obviously important enough to me, so it should be equally important to him to help me with it.
I am pleased with how I have been the last couple weeks. I was feeling pretty flat earlier in the time frame, but I am starting to feel a little better. I think my medications are doing wonders for me. I am seeing improvements in my focus and concentration. I have a little more energy, though I am still tired. Though not as tired as I was last week, so maybe my body is finally catching up. I WANT to play with kiddo, instead of feeling like I HAVE to. That is a huge thing for me, and I am so glad it’s finally changing. I have always felt more like her babysitter than her mom during my depression episodes. I do not usually want anything to do with her during those times, so having this time of consistent positive wants and behaviors is amazingly wonderful. I am starting to feel closer to her, and seeing her for more of who she really is. She is quite the clown, and comedian!
I still have moments of sadness, but it’s controllable! I got down on myself, and shed a couple of tears earlier. After reading a fellow PPD mommy’s blog, I started thinking about my postpartum experiences. I do not remember much of kiddo’s first year or two. The only things that really stand out are the anger, sadness, and dark thoughts. I feel so guilty for not remembering anything about how kiddo’s early life. I do not even have a lot of pictures to look at, at least not in hand. I have a Snapfish account that contains tons of pictures of her first years, but when I look at them, I do not remember. I want to remember, I am just not sure how.
I am not on the hunt for a new therapist. In the mean time, I am going to go to my primary care doctor for medicine, to continue on the 30 mg Prozac. The therapist doctor only gave me one prescription of 90 pills, which are 10 mg each. I will call tomorrow morning to make an appointment with my PCM. At least that way I still have my medication, which is apparently my lifeline between madness and sanity. I am ok with that. I feel sane, and somewhat normal again. Far more so than I have in a very long time. Writing this blog has been a HUGE help in setting me on the path to normalcy. I am so proud of this blog, and plan on continuing it, even if it’s with updates like this that may not be all that exciting for you to read. I also have my friends and family to lean on, and my new #ppdchat friends.
I am looking forward to this new me, and this new life. I may not be 100%, and I may not be my old self, but I am still awesome. I will take that any day over the sadness.