Today is an important day for me. Not only is it Friday (YAY!), but it is a day of reflection. One month ago today, I wrote about my experience with dark thoughts towards my daughter. It was really difficult to write about, as I had never talked about it before but with only a couple of people. After writing it, however, I felt a feeling I had never felt before: vulnerability. What a scary and anxiety-inducing feeling too!
For almost a week, I felt that vulnerability. It was a good feeling, though. It meant I was healing, that I got the most painful memories of my daughter’s early life out of my head (and heart), and into the universe. It meant I was ready to let go, and work on getting better. I would write it over again, if it meant I would heal faster.
Those first couple of years of kiddo’s life were hard. I feel guilty for everything that went on. I was a very depressed, and a very angry person, and my daughter took the brunt of it. If I could go back and do it over again, I would. I would get help as soon as I realized something was wrong. I would cherish the little things, like her first word. I do not remember her first word.
However, I can’t go back and do things over. I can only move forward, and create new memories with her. I can be a better mommy, and be there for her when she needs me. I can teach her things, and play, and have fun. Is it going to be easy? No, parenthood isn’t easy, but it will be easier now that I am on medications, and searching for new therapy. I can’t let the guilt take over. I think it’s important to remember those dark thoughts though. Not the thoughts themselves, but the fact that I had them. It reminds me how far I have come, and where I never want to go back to. Maybe reflecting and remembering will also help someone else.
If you’re feeling different, like you’re not yourself, do not be ashamed to speak up. It will be scary, and it will be difficult. I will never lie about that. However, it will be worth it. You can get better. You do not have to feel sad and angry. There are many women out there that have experienced the same thing. You are not alone in those feelings, so please do not ignore them. You deserve better.
If you’re interested in reading my post that sparked this reflection, you can go here: The Lowest Point