When I first started taking my new medication, I was feeling very flat. It was unnerving, and a bit overwhelming. I had been on a never-ending ride on the emotional roller coaster for so long, it was strange to not feel that way, to not feel much of anything. Well, times have changed!
I started feeling emotion again. Happiness has been fairly regular, and the sadness and darkness has been non-existent. Last night, I felt a little distressed. Yesterday evening was long, as kiddo was throwing fits left and right, and just being ugly towards me. I was getting irritated, and lost my composure and raised my voice at her once. I felt the distress because I feel like I am not supposed to feel the irritation anymore. I am not supposed to raise my voice, and get upset anymore. However, after some thought, I suppose it’s normal motherhood to get annoyed and upset with our children. I am not sure though. It didn’t feel right, and I found myself getting upset for feeling that way.
I realized this morning that today is Wednesday, which means my husband comes home tomorrow from his ten-day field op. I also realized how smoothly this past ten days has gone. I did not experience deep sadness, severe mood swings, or extreme anger. This time that he has been away went so smoothly, it almost passed without me realizing it! Kiddo behaved normally, and I was in control of myself. Kiddo got sick, and we spent 6.5 hours in the ER for strep throat, but it never phased me. I didn’t lose my temper for no reason, I stayed off the emotional roller coaster, and I didn’t feel the deep sadness I am so used to. I was…normal.
I am not sure I like that word, normal. I think the better thing to say is that I felt better. Reflecting on it now, I can see the change I have gone through. Being able to stay in control of myself, and continue on with our lives with minimal hiccups, shows me that I’ve got this. I can do this! It feels so good to say that! I can function again, and be successful at it! I can be a great mom, and enjoy my daughter. I can do everyday things that used to fluster me, and do them well. I can focus on my schoolwork, and do well.
I still need to work on my confidence. I am far from confident in myself, even though this past ten days should show me otherwise. I have been doing great in school, I have been doing great as a mommy, I have been doing great emotionally and mentally. I have just been great. Am I perfect? Far from it, and that’s OK. Am I better? Far from it, but I am well on my way. Will I have stumbles and missteps along the path of healing? For sure, but I have the ability to get back on my feet and fight on. I didn’t have that before. It’s quite liberating.
I’ve got this. It is possible for me to function, and be more than a zombie. It is possible for me be happy, even after I find myself getting irritated and angry. That feels good. It has boosted my confidence a little.
I’ve got this, yo.