I am the type of person that loves helping people. It makes me who I am. If I can do ANYTHING to help someone, or make their life a little easier, or just give them a smile, I will do it. My career goals are even focused on my need and want to help others.
However, I seem to have forgotten how to help, how to listen.
Now, that’s not entirely true. Physically, I am capable of helping a friend with a task, or caring for children, or something of that nature. I can be a huge help in that sense, but when it comes to helping with emotional things, I am at a loss. I have been the one asking for help for so long. I have been the one pushing people away, not only to keep my PPD to myself, but so I wouldn’t have to deal with others problems too. Four and a half years I have been doing that. Now I am lost.
My husband has presented me with a chance to help him. He’s not feeling too hot about himself, and I understand why. The problem is, I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know how to make him feel better. I don’t know how to help him, and cope with my own anxiety.
I am not trying to make his problem about me, though it may seem that way. I just honestly do not know how to help someone emotionally, while helping myself at the same time. His sadness, and defeated attitude makes me anxious. I am still learning how to deal with my own anxiety, and trying to help and cope with someone elses emotions is difficult.
This isn’t something new. The last few years, I have been this way. Someone comes to me with a problem, in need of a shoulder. I want to give it to them, you have no idea how badly I want to, and I try. I get anxious though. My anxiety takes over my brain, and I have a hard time focusing on the task at hand. I feel like whatever I say to the person from that point forward is meaningless, because my brain is not functioning properly enough to give sound advice.
This time it’s different. It’s my husband who I want to help. He has always been there for me, especially when I needed him the most. He is my rock, and knows how to make me smile, even when I was in the darkness. How can I possibly not know how to be there for him, when he did it so many times for me? How can I not know how to be there for anyone, when that is who I am supposed to be?
It kind of makes me question myself. I wonder if I am still that caring, helping person, or self-absorbed, and in my own little world? This entry has me believing self-absorbed. That makes me sad.
That’s not who I used to be, and that’s not who I want to be. I just don’t know how to help anymore, not with emotional things anyway. Maybe it’s like riding a bike, eventually I will catch on again. Right now it’s just hard. I want and need to be there for him, and for anyone that comes to me. That’s the whole point of this blog! I just feel like a fraud.
Pity party for one!
I will figure it out again, I hope. I just feel helpless, and that is kind of a weird feeling for someone who has always felt helpful. It’s kind of a vulnerable, anxiety filled place. I will get over it. I have to. My husband needs me. People need me. I need to learn how to be me again.