I am a perfectionist when it comes to school work. I feel like I have to do the best work, be the best in my class, or I am not worthy of going back to school. It hasn’t always been this way, but I think going back to school now has made me this way. I feel like I have something to prove, but what I feel like I have to prove is not that important.
I started taking courses this Fall in pursuit of a Bachelors in Social Psychology. Since high school, I have taken over 120 credit hours worth of courses while trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with my life. I love and enjoy so many things, it’s hard to pinpoint one career that would be best for me. I settled on Social Psychology for now, and then eventually a Masters in Social Work. I want to help people, and I think that is a great way for me to do that.
That 120 credit hours that I transferred has put me in Senior status as my school, even though I have never taken any Social Psych courses, or even taken courses at this college. This has me very excited, as I will probably finish at the end of next Fall. That is something I look forward to.
It’s been a few years since I took a college course, one that is important to my degree. I have taken a couple of computer courses, like how to create HTML, but it really meant nothing to me, even though I made A’s. This is the first time I am taking real courses since kiddo was born, and since I started suffering from depression. My state of mind is different, I do not have as much time to study, and it’s just a new experience now. Because of all that, I have something to prove.
But to who?
I have always made excellent grades. I was in National Honor Society, Texas Scholars, and the top 20% of the class (our class was HUGE) in high school. In college early on, I made the Dean’s List a couple of times. It came very naturally, and very easy for me back then. I didn’t study much, and good grades just kind of happened. It’s not that way now.
I am studying, and doing my best. I have A’s right now, with a couple of weeks left of the 8-week term. I am working hard. However, I feel the need to be the best. I have to make straight A’s so I can have a high GPA, and graduate with honors. I have to prove myself…to myself.
I feel like if I do not make the best grades, and be the best in my class, then there is no point in me going back to school. I am not old by any means, I am only 31. However, I feel like at this age, there is no excuses, or turning back. I have to excel, I have to be awesome to show kiddo that mommy is smart. To prove my mind still functions, even with the cloud around it. To prove that I am still smart, and worthy.
My mom started college the same time I did, in 1998. My mom was 38 at the time. She did awesome, and graduated with honors. If she can do it, I have to do it too. Right?
Wrong. I am not perfect. I am not my mom. I am me, and that is enough. I am not the same person I was in high school, or early on in college. Life has changed me. I am a mommy now with different priorities. My four-year-old needs more of my time than a 18-year-old. My depression and anxiety has changed my state of mind. I have days where the depression takes over, and I can’t accomplish much.
I just want to stand taller, and realize that doing my best is enough. I do work hard, and I do try my best. I am not perfect, and I have bigger priorities sometimes. I wont always make perfect grades. I might not be the best, or graduate with honors. And you know what?
That’s OK, because I did my best. And that is enough.
Just.Be.Enough writing prompt for this week: The top area of your life where you would like to apply the Just.Be.Enough. mission of standing taller.