I’m a Survivor…Most Days.

I really want to get two new tattoos on my wrists, though it probably needs to wait until after I have another baby.  I’m not sure how that affects a fetus, but anyway.  I want to get the word “survivor” on my left wrist, and “hope” on my right.  I REALLY feel like I need to do this.

I consider myself a survivor, even after rough weekends like the one that just passed.  I was angry and agitated for no reason that I can come up with.  It was to the point of cleaning and purging stuff that just it’s around and takes up space.  I am tired of clutter anyway, and this weekend sent me into a frenzy.

After all was said and done, I didn’t feel any better, but it was done.  I have never experienced that kind of angry, in need of doing something to keep control, kind of mood.  Before I was on medications, I just lost control, and got angry at anything and everyone.  My daughter caught a lot of that, and to this day I still feel extremely guilty for it.  There was a lot of sadness with my PPD that quickly turned into anger at the drop of a hat.  I had no control over it, it just happened.  I was a very angry, sad individual.

I still struggle, like this past weekend.  I’m not sure I will ever be 100% depression free.  It runs in my family, and I am high risk.  That sucks, but I am learning to live with it, and deal.  I really want to have another baby, whether through adoption or my own body, and there is risk of relapse.  However, I know what to expect, and so does my husband.  As concerning as it is to be on medications while pregnant, I am more concerned about not being on them, and slipping back into the darkness.

I can’t go back there.

I survived the darkness once.  I do not have those dark thoughts towards my daughter anymore.  It’s been a while since I have, thank goodness.  I have thought about how I wish I could just end the anger and sadness, but it’s just a thought that quickly passes.  I haven’t struggled with those kind of thoughts since last year, and I hope to keep it that way.  I remind myself that no matter how real that may seem at times, they are just thoughts.  They are thoughts of someone who is not me, someone who has taken up residence in my brain, and is slow to be evicted.

I prefer to think that person has no power over me anymore.  It talks to me, whispers in my ear from time to time, but I have the power to ignore it now.  Is it easy?  Not hardly, but it’s something I have control of now, for the most part.  I have times where I need to remove myself from a situation in order to gain some control, and that’s OK.  There is nothing wrong with needing “me” time.  I know that now.

“Me” time was not something I ever considered.  I hated being away from my family.  I was completely uncomfortable being out on my own.  Sometimes I would go to the mall by myself to shop, or just walk around, and I felt like a lost puppy.  Just wandering around aimlessly, not knowing what to do with myself.  When I felt like that, I felt the need to run away.  I felt like that this weekend, but I recognized it.  I reached out to my #PPDChat mamas.  They talked to me while I was doing my mass purging, and I felt better by the end of the day.  I didn’t have that instant connection to someone before, where I could send out a message to the universe, and almost instantly get a response.  I did, actually, through my friends and family, but I never utilized it.  I was too ashamed, but I know better now.

I’m a survivor, and can’t say that without the Destiny’s Child song coming into my head.  Not the whole song, just the part where they sing “I’m a survivor…” over and over again.  You’re welcome, because I assume you also have it stuck in your head.

I’m a survivor because I am still here.  I am beat up and battered down, but I am still standing.  I’m not the same person I was before PPD, but the new me isn’t so bad.  I still have times of depression, but I know how to deal.  I know how to work through it, and how to make it out the other side in one piece.  I may have more bruises from it, but I made it.  I survived it.

I refuse to let it take me down into the darkness again.  I refuse to let it take me completely from my family and friends.  If it does gain strength, and beat me down more, I, along with my family, know how to handle it.  It wont keep me down for forever again.

I refuse to let it.

I’m a survivor.



10 thoughts on “I’m a Survivor…Most Days.

  1. This post rocks!! You rock!! Honestly, so much of what you wrote I relate to . . . hell I coudl have wrote it, although probably not quite as eloquently. The sudden rage that often found focus on my baby boy. The hot fury that would simmer under the surface waiting to be released.

    You are one of those people that I look to on days when it all feels like it is too much, when I feel I am sliding backwards instead of moving forward. You are a survivor and you are amazing.

  2. Your post got me all teary. I don’t know you, and you have no idea who I am, but I’m so proud of you for making it this far and surviving. You’ve earned those tattoos. 🙂 (You can go ahead and get them, too. They don’t affect a fetus unless you get HIV or hepatitis from the tattoo, and if you go somewhere reputable, that shouldn’t be an issue).

  3. Yes you are.
    Every single day that you wake up and face the day you are a survivour…and not matter how much that day kicked you in the taco, you survived because you made it through it at the end of the day.
    I have a tattoo on my wrist…ironically, it is the chinese symbol for chi. “Balance of mind body and spirit”…i got it to symbolize my recovery from back surgery. My injury was life changing and I had to change my lifestyle and my frame of mind. It took so much out of me and I felt that after surgery, I finally achieved balance.
    It means so much more.
    But i plan on getting another one to symbolize my journey. Just haven’t figured one out yet.

    • I have about 3 tattoos, not including the 2 mentioned here, that I want to do. Of the 3 I already have, only one has special meaning. One I got during a depression episode before we got married, and I feel like it represents that, but I don’t like it anymore because it reminds me of the depression. Oh well! LOL One represents my marriage to husband, and one I just got because I had never had a tattoo before. LOL I like it though.

  4. i would recommend you wait on the tats until baby comes – just to play it safe (i know of a few artists who refuse to work on pregnant women).

    And i would also recommend you get them for YOU (which is a nice way of saying “in a place where they can be concealed”), should you wish to advance your career in a world that very much judges books based upon their covers – inked or otherwise – and damned little else, initially at least.

    And while you did snag me at first with Destiny’s Child, you quickly made it much worse with the insertion of Elton John’s “i’m still standing”…. =)

    • Well, I’m not pregnant yet. That’s why I meant before I get pregnant, if it would affect the baby once there is one. lol

      Now I have that Elton John song in my head. Thanks 😛

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