I Am So Smart! I Am So Smart! S.M.R.T.

 

Yes, Homer, you are indeed smart.  You know what?  SO AM I!!!!

I can officially consider my first term back in college a success.  I got my grades back, and I made a 96 in Theories of Personality, and a 95 in Social Problems!  I did it!!

I have been very hesitant to go back to college since kiddo was born.  I blame PPD, and the anxiety that comes with it.  Not only did it beat me down, and change me, but it essentially killed my confidence.  It kept whispering to me, “You suck, you’re not good enough.  You’re not even worth anything you think you can have or do.”  For years, I believed that bastard.

Not anymore!

My mind has escaped me since I developed PPD.  Not only did I lose that confidence, but I just didn’t feel smart anymore.  I imagine that’s a motherhood thing, though.  Constantly talking in baby speak can make you not feel as intelligent as you are.  🙂

I still have a brain!  And it works!

I’m glad I did not give in to my anxiety, and not go through with starting college again.  It was tough, I wont lie.  I started out not on medications, then got on some, and felt super flat.  I struggled with time management, and guilt over doing work instead of spending time with family.  My mood got better, and my mind cleared out.  I was unsure of everything I did, even the words of encouragement from my professors didn’t help.

Those grades prove to me I can do it.  No matter the struggles I went through this term, and no matter how unsure and guilty I felt, I did it.  I will continue to do it, because I can.  I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, I like me.  🙂

I can say that again:  I like me.

It’s been a while since I have been able to say that.  It’s not love yet, as I am still working on my confidence, but it’s far better than it used to be.

I’m going into next week, the start of my next 8-week term, with more confidence than before.  I have learned a lot about myself, and am very proud.

PPD is a bitch.  It breaks you down, beats you up, and leaves you a crying, angry, sad mess.  Do not ever forget you’re still in that mess, that you can still shine through.  Don’t give up that fight.

You are worth fighting for.

Oh, and… I AM SO SMART!  I AM SO SMART!  S.M.R.T.  I MEAN, S.M.A.R.T!

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8 thoughts on “I Am So Smart! I Am So Smart! S.M.R.T.

  1. “You suck, you’re not good enough. You’re not even worth anything you think you can have or do.” For years, I believed that bastard.”

    Those voices are Liars & deceivers.

    You Go Girl!! Bravo.

  2. Pingback: Reading Digest: Question Mark in the Headline Edition « Dead Homer Society

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