I Need to Listen to Myself

For the last few months, I have been working on lifting other people up out of their darkness, and helping them through into the light.  It feels so good to be able to help other people, as it’s just something that is a part of who I am.  I am often on Twitter, helping PPD friends get through a tough day, or move through a moment or event that has proven to be difficult for them to get to, and then through.  I love hearing about their improvements, and how they accomplished their goal for that moment.

Take Your Own Advice!

The problem is, I do not always listen to my own advice.  Like today, I told a friend she needed to just let go of guilt she was feeling, and move forward.  Guilt will eat you alive until you’re just a puddle of tears and anger.  So why can’t I take my own advice, and let go of my own guilt?

I have been feeling pretty guilty about my weight.  I have recently gained around 5-8 pounds, and it’s because of my own laziness.  My fight over the last four years through my own darkness has made me pretty lazy when it comes to things like exercise, eating right, and laundry.

Oh how I hate folding and putting away laundry.

The point is, I do not have the same motivation to keep up with things I should.  I gained about 50 pounds while pregnant with kiddo, and then lost 30 of that when she was born.  I ate OK the first month or two after, then PPD hit me full force.  I then gained the 30 pounds back, and was back at my pregnancy weight.  After a year or so, I started to workout a little more, and lost the 30 pounds over time…until recently.  I have gained 5-8 of it back, and I’m starting to freak out.

I’m an emotional eater.  When I am anxious, sad, angry, or tired, I eat.  I eat bad things, like chocolate, chips, or ice cream.  They taste so good, but they are so bad for me.  They help me feel better for a moment, but then I instantly feel gross, fat, and guilty.  It’s only a very short temporary fix, but I keep doing it.

I want to lose at least 10 pounds before I get pregnant again.  I was 150 when I got pregnant with kiddo, and I felt good then.  I wasn’t skinny, but I wasn’t fat.  I felt incredible.  I am sitting at 178 again now.  I feel gross, jiggly, lethargic, and lazy.  However, I can’t seem to stick to my plan, and stay motivated.

I know what I need to do.  I lost 35 pounds in 2004 after my breast reduction surgery.  I kept it off until I got pregnant too.  I know what to do, and I know I can do it.  So why can’t I let go, and just do it?  It’s like I am afraid of something, but I do not know what.

The reason I feel guilty about my weight is because I know the health risks.  I know the problems that run in my family, like diabetes and heart disease.  I need to take care of myself to try to ward those things off for as long as possible, but I’m having trouble this time.

I miss the elliptical machine we used to have.  I loved that thing, and it helped me go from 200 to 175.  It broke though from being outside in the elements, and we can’t afford another.  I am completely uncomfortable going to the gym though.  If I had one, I think it would be a good way to burn off the anger and anxiety I still deal with from time to time.  Maybe I need to do a fundraiser to raise money for the elliptical at the exchange here on base.  😛

Any advice?  I know what to do, and how to do it, I just can’t seem to.  Why can’t I just listen to my own words and advice, and just let go and do it?

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10 thoughts on “I Need to Listen to Myself

  1. I have the same problem. I always try to help others but I can’t take my own advice?? :S its frustrating, I am already full of anger over my guilty, my past is always back in my mind, it makes me really mad and angry and I ended up writing this blog: mydailylifeinhell.wordpress.com
    If you happen to read my blog and help me, I’d really appreciate any good words you might provide. thank you so much, i’ll be following your blog from today on

    ;DDissh!

  2. If you figure it out, let me know. I do the exact same thing. Feel bad or lonely, eat away bad feelings, then feel worse for hurting my body, then rationalize saying it isn’t drugs or alcohol, just chips and cookies, then scold myself and feel guilty, promise to try harder, but then repeat. Terrible cycle and I don’t know how to stop it.

  3. If you don’t mind me saying, and assuming you might be a touch like me, i believe what you’re actually afraid of is succeeding in your endeavors – because if you did, you would have evidence that the self image you have is not true.

    I would suggest, as one who also doesn’t take his own advice, that you dive in head first, and face your fears.

  4. I’ve also had problems with weight. And I hate gyms. So it’s a bad combination. To combat this, I’ve just gotten weights for at home and do simple calisthenics. It gets me moving, the heart rate goes up, and I feel better after doing them. I don’t do them often enough, but even once in a while it helps. I also love taking walks. It improves my moods to get out and be isolated for a while, plus the exercise helps a bit. Just my two cents about what I try.

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