For the last few months, I have been working on lifting other people up out of their darkness, and helping them through into the light. It feels so good to be able to help other people, as it’s just something that is a part of who I am. I am often on Twitter, helping PPD friends get through a tough day, or move through a moment or event that has proven to be difficult for them to get to, and then through. I love hearing about their improvements, and how they accomplished their goal for that moment.
The problem is, I do not always listen to my own advice. Like today, I told a friend she needed to just let go of guilt she was feeling, and move forward. Guilt will eat you alive until you’re just a puddle of tears and anger. So why can’t I take my own advice, and let go of my own guilt?
I have been feeling pretty guilty about my weight. I have recently gained around 5-8 pounds, and it’s because of my own laziness. My fight over the last four years through my own darkness has made me pretty lazy when it comes to things like exercise, eating right, and laundry.
Oh how I hate folding and putting away laundry.
The point is, I do not have the same motivation to keep up with things I should. I gained about 50 pounds while pregnant with kiddo, and then lost 30 of that when she was born. I ate OK the first month or two after, then PPD hit me full force. I then gained the 30 pounds back, and was back at my pregnancy weight. After a year or so, I started to workout a little more, and lost the 30 pounds over time…until recently. I have gained 5-8 of it back, and I’m starting to freak out.
I’m an emotional eater. When I am anxious, sad, angry, or tired, I eat. I eat bad things, like chocolate, chips, or ice cream. They taste so good, but they are so bad for me. They help me feel better for a moment, but then I instantly feel gross, fat, and guilty. It’s only a very short temporary fix, but I keep doing it.
I want to lose at least 10 pounds before I get pregnant again. I was 150 when I got pregnant with kiddo, and I felt good then. I wasn’t skinny, but I wasn’t fat. I felt incredible. I am sitting at 178 again now. I feel gross, jiggly, lethargic, and lazy. However, I can’t seem to stick to my plan, and stay motivated.
I know what I need to do. I lost 35 pounds in 2004 after my breast reduction surgery. I kept it off until I got pregnant too. I know what to do, and I know I can do it. So why can’t I let go, and just do it? It’s like I am afraid of something, but I do not know what.
The reason I feel guilty about my weight is because I know the health risks. I know the problems that run in my family, like diabetes and heart disease. I need to take care of myself to try to ward those things off for as long as possible, but I’m having trouble this time.
I miss the elliptical machine we used to have. I loved that thing, and it helped me go from 200 to 175. It broke though from being outside in the elements, and we can’t afford another. I am completely uncomfortable going to the gym though. If I had one, I think it would be a good way to burn off the anger and anxiety I still deal with from time to time. Maybe I need to do a fundraiser to raise money for the elliptical at the exchange here on base. 😛
Any advice? I know what to do, and how to do it, I just can’t seem to. Why can’t I just listen to my own words and advice, and just let go and do it?