I love you. You are my best friend, and have been for a long time. We have been married for 8 years, and it really doesn’t feel like it. I feel like we did when we first got married, all over again. It’s a wonderfully amazing feeling! You are such an awesome person. You work hard for your family, and your job. You do everything and anything you can for us. You are a wonderful daddy, and kiddo shows that to you every night you come home from work. You are her everything, and mine.
I think you have noticed that I have been feeling a lot better lately. We have had a rough few years due to my PPD, and I think last year was the roughest. You had to start training for deployment again, and the free time we did have, we spent doing other things that didn’t require a lot of “togetherness.” I never stopped loving you, but it just didn’t feel like we were connected anymore. I partly blame myself for that, as I was still struggling with my darkness. Last year was also the last time I thought about killing myself, so I wasn’t really connected to you or kiddo.
Then you left for deployment.
I missed you so much. I realized I needed to change something with myself, but it was hard. I didn’t try hard enough to fix myself while you were gone, so when you came home, I was still in a bad place. It didn’t take long for me to get over it though. I knew I wanted to start this blog, and feel better. I just had to talk to you first, and then go to the doctor. That conversation we had late that night in bed was so hard, so raw. I felt so vulnerable, but you just held me, and talked to me. You know I was in a bad place, but didn’t know how to help me when I wasn’t helping myself. You loved me through everything, no matter how bad I got.
That night showed me one thing: All you need is love.
I wasn’t sure about us, but I didn’t know if it was just me and my problems, or if we were waning. I still don’t know, but it doesn’t matter anymore. We made it through, and I am positive it is because we truly love one another. We respect one another. We are perfect for each other.
You have helped me so much the last few years. You may not realize it, but it’s true. Just sticking by me, and helping me through the darkness. You showed me unconditional love, and supported me all the way. You may not have understood what was going on, but you seemed to know that all I needed was for you to continue loving me. It carried me through.
I know it hasn’t been easy for you. I have never considered how my PPD had affected you, or how life with a new kiddo was for you. I’m sorry. I was so wrapped up in my own problems that it never occurred to me that you could be struggling yourself, or that my problems were affecting you. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can’t. All I can do is be more aware, and more in tune.
Now that I am feeling better, I could not be happier with us. I feel like us again. I feel happy again. I still have days of struggling, but they are few and far between. You are my rock, and my beacon through the darkness. You were a chest to cry on, and a shoulder that held me up. I do not think I could have made it through without you.
Thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being what I needed. Thank you for being the man I have always known and loved, and never giving up on me. We are strong again, and I really believe it’s because of love. All we needed was love, and that was what kept us going.
I can’t wait to see what the rest of our lives together bring us.
I love you, Poo.