I Have A Confession

While I was reading over at Jenn’s blog yesterday, I realized something major.  Here is my confession:

I have not taken my pills on a consistent daily basis for over a month.  On top of that, I have not taken them at all in over a week.

It’s no wonder I have been feeling less than stellar lately.  The beginning of this term came, and I had no desire to do anything with it.  I have muddled through, and struggled to think and write up to this point.  Somehow I have managed to make 98’s in the classes, but it hasn’t been easy (Or maybe it has, that’s why I have such high grades with little effort).

I do not know why I haven’t been more aware of my pill taking.  I have an alarm set on my cell phone, to go off at noon every day.  This is to remind me to take them.  It rings and annoys me, which is the point, so I hear it and turn it off.  However, after I turn it off, I either forget to go get them, or something happens and takes my mind off of it.  I apparently have the attention span of a gnat.  Or a Doug. Squirrel!

What is wrong with me?  Why haven’t I been more vigilant on taking my medications?  They are my lifeline.  They keep me out of the darkness.  They are so important to my well-being right now, so it’s completely stupid of me to not be more on top of taking them, and more aware of how I have been feeling because I haven’t been taking them.

I have had no motivation to workout.  The last week, I haven’t been eating the best.  I have been down, and blah, and irritable.  So why haven’t I put two and two together?  I am so mad at myself.

I have papers to write, and homework to do.  I have a house to clean, and a family to care for.  What was I thinking not being more aware of my mood, and how I have been slacking?  I see how not taking my medications affect me.  I have been snappy at kiddo, no energy, no motivation.  I have been struggling with my concentration, and have been extremely tired (Even more so than when I am on my pills).  I get angry faster, and constantly feel on edge.  Oh, and the anxiety.  Gah, the anxiety.  Enough is enough.

I took my pills this morning when I realized what has happened.  I need to get back on it.  I am always stressing the importance of taking medications if they are needed to feel like you again, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of with that.  I need to listen to myself, and my own advice.  I can’t dish advice if I do not take it myself, so I am going to work on being more vigilant with that.  It’s not only important for my readers to know I’m taking care of myself, and using my own advice, but also for my family to know I am taking care of myself.  Especially with some major deployment training on the horizon.

It feels better getting that out there.  I do not feel like such a fraud now.

It’s time to shake it out, and move on.  🙂

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15 thoughts on “I Have A Confession

  1. You were not a fraud . . . you were a mom with a whole lot on your plate and you forgot . . . it happens. I have a tendency to look at the pill bottle and desperately try to remember if I had indeed taken one or if I was thinking of yesterday.

    I am sorry that this past month has been so difficult but hopefully getting back to regularly taking your meds will help get you back into a better frame of mind. It is amazing how quickly I went downhill off of them.

    I could always write a note to tweet you a reminder to take you pills . . . I will have to write the note though because I won’t remember if I don’t! 🙂

  2. This is your friend and nurse Kim talking…
    Honey, buy a pill box. I had to. I know that you know that you just can’t stop taking your medications without weaning because the effects can spiral you downwards. Forgetting to take them happens. It happens to me…but you and I really have to try really hard to remember to take them.
    I put my pills where my morning mug is. That way when I reach for my mug, my pills are right there screaming at me to take them.
    You’re not a fraud. Don’t think that for a second. You’re doing good work here 😉

  3. Hey, girlie, you are so brave to admit this and to try to fix it. I hope you know you have now unleashed an army to nag you about your pills every day 😉

  4. p.p.s I also really like your decision to live by your own standards when you wrote:

    “I am always stressing the importance of taking medications if they are needed to feel like you again, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of with that.”

    • Thank you. I have a really bad memory when it comes to simple things like that. Even with an alarm that tells me when to take them. However, now I am taking them in the morning when I wake up. I’m not ashamed of taking them, as nobody should be. I just need to be more aware. 😛

  5. you’re not alone, i don’t think it’s uncommon to forget to take meds, even though they keep us from absolute darkness. in some way, i wish i didn’t have to take them, maybe that’s why i forget sometimes, but if i was in kidney failure or something i bet i’d be taking my meds on time. anyway, i hope you’re feeling better soon.

    • I think you’re right. If I was taking it for something like kidney failure, I probably would be on top of it. Unfortunately, depression can be deadly too. I’m not sure why we don’t think of it that way.

  6. Pingback: Did I Forget Again? «

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