When did I become so forgetful? My mind has been escaping me for a few years now. I attribute it to when I started suffering from PPD. I forget things almost immediately, and if I do not write them down, they are lost forever. Some things it’s not so important, like something I need at the store. However, lately it has been effecting my mood. I have been forgetting my medications.
It was mentioned in a previous post I wrote about not taking my meds that if I was taking them for something life threatening, like kidney failure, I would be on top of them every day. However, why is this not the case with my antidepressants? I know I need them. I know how I feel when I do not take them. Like today, I am anxious and irritable. It will eventually lead to anger at the drop of a hat, no matter how much I try to control it. So why am I so bad about taking them?
It could be the possibility of still feeling ashamed of having to even take medications in order to be myself. Even though I am very vocal about doing what needs to be done in order to feel normal, this is still a very personal topic because it is something I have been struggling with for a long time. I still feel vulnerable talking about it sometimes, so I do not think I am completely past the feelings of guilt and shame.
Why do I feel so ashamed for having to take medications to be myself? If I needed to take those meds to keep me from dying from kidney failure, I would be all over it. Why is it not the same for my Prozac, which I credit from turning me away from the darkness. That very darkness that threatened my life, and my daughters. My Prozac helped save me, and helped keep me alive.
antidepressants have a stigma around them, much like depression and other mental illness. It is assumed that because we are depressed that we are lazy, overly emotional, or whiny. If we take antidepressants, or anything else for mental illness, we are crazy. I know this is not the case, and I try to make that clear whenever I talk about depression of any kind. However, that stigma is still there, even in the back of my mind.
I am making a conscious effort to break that stigma within my own head. If I don’t, then I will never get better. I argue for people to stop judging, and understand how depression affects people. It’s a strong way of breaking the stigma. Another way is to let go of any preconceived ideas of what you think mental illness is. I admit that I look at mental illness much differently now than I used to. I just need to break that stigma in my own head.
I am not crazy. It’s perfectly OK to need to take medications to feel like myself. It makes me happy, and it makes my family happy. That is what is most important. My life is most important.