I’m Pregnant!

 

Yep, you’re reading that right.  My big girl is going to be a big sister come August/September! 

Wow, it feels so good finally getting that out.  I have been waiting on husband to tell his family for almost two weeks so I could announce it here.  I’m glad I have been able to let the universe know.  I can not talk and write about it.  🙂

I am so excited!  I’m not going to lie, though.  I am also extremely nervous.  Through this blog I have shared my experiences with postpartum depression.  It was far from pretty, and was a very dark place.  Every pregnancy is different, so I could possibly not experience the PPD again.  The possibility is there though, and that scares me.  I do not want to find myself in that darkness again.  I do not want those demons telling me horribly intrusive thoughts again.  I do not want to feel like the only way out is to end it all.

This time is different for many reasons.  One, I know the signs and symptoms, and know how to go about either keeping them at bay, or how to seek help to get rid of them.  I feel confident that I wont feel that darkness nearly as badly, if at all, because of that.  Another reason it’s different is because my husband will be deployed when the baby is born, and will not be home until the wee one is around three months old.  I will experience about half of this pregnancy with him overseas.  That’s no bueno, but the homecoming will be that much sweeter.  ❤

There are a couple of things that are nonnegotiable with this pregnancy.  I will discuss them with anyone who wants, but I will not waver on my decisions.

1.  I am staying on my medications.  Yes, there is a low risk for birth defects.  However, the risk of me getting off is higher in my opinion.  Depression can not only harm me, but also my unborn child.  I have tried getting off my meds before, or at least weaning down.  It was rough, and I just went right back into that dark place.  With my husband deploying, and me spending the first three months raising the baby just me, I can not risk relapsing.  I am at peace with my decision, good or bad.

2.  I am not dealing with school until after the baby is born.  I know many women do it all the time, but with my mental health history, I think it’s best for me not to worry about it until I am ready.  I need to focus on my mental health, and the well-being of both my children (wow, that was weird to say lol).  I love school, but right now is just not the time.

3.  I will not breastfeed.  I know it’s best for baby, but I am not even going to try.  I had a breast reduction in 2004 that messed up my milk ducts.  I produced, I just could not get barely anything to come out for kiddo.  I also believe it caused undue stress dealing with the lactation consultant, and the guilt from not being able to do the natural mommy thing.  I wont be able to do it this time, I am almost positive, so I am just giving myself permission to let it go, and move on.  Kiddo is strong, healthy, and smart, and she was on formula the whole time.  I am positive this is the best choice for all.

YAY!!  I’m so excited!!  My uncertainty about what to write about is now gone.  I will have tons to write about now.  I’m six weeks pregnant, so I have lots of time to write, and lots of material to write on.

I am so excited to share this experience with everyone, the good and bad.  It will be tough, but it will be so worth it.  🙂