I’m Not Gonna Lie…(The Fear)

…But even though I have done this before, this pregnancy is a bit scary.  That’s not a good feeling, especially when anxiety is one of my problems.

Edvard Munch's The Scream. It's how I feel right now.

I do not remember much from my pregnancy with kiddo.  I also do not remember much of her first year or two.  Sure, I have pictures, but that darkness has overshadowed so much of that time  it’s hard to make out what was real and what was the depression.  I feel like this is my first pregnancy again because of the things I do not remember.

For instance, the pregnancy stuff comes back to me in tiny, fragmented pieces.  I am nauseated 24/7, and so tired.  I know this is different because I kind of remember that I was nothing like that with kiddo.  As for the appointments and milestones, it’s all “new” to me.  I suppose that’s not a bad thing, but it would be nice to not feel the anxiety about what will happen next.

I have found myself thinking about what will happen after the baby is born.  Like, how often to feed the baby, and how to help them get their nights and days straight.  When do they start tummy time?  When can they start eating more solid foods?  All these questions speed through my mind at lightning speed, and I get anxious.  I know I have no reason to be.  I didn’t know the answers with kiddo.  It just came naturally, with a little advice from my mom and friends.  This will not be any different.

I think part of my problem is that is should be different.  I should know all of this information already.  I’ve done it once already!  However, maybe many moms go through that doubt with another, and I am over-exaggerating the extent of the darkness that consumed me with kiddo.  It was bad, and I know it, but was it bad enough to cause me to forget simple mothering?

I fear that darkness.  I shouldn’t fear it because I know how to handle it now, but that fear is still there.  That is why I’m still on my medications.  I have tried weaning down to a lower dose, but it wasn’t pretty.  I started to slip, so I am back to my normal 30 mg.  With the research I have done, and the opinions and advice I have sought out, I know the risks and benefits.  I know staying on my meds is the best choice for me and the baby, but that fear that I am harming my baby is still there.  I know a few women that I have talked to stayed on meds, and their babies are perfectly fine.  I know the risk of getting off my meds, and the depression harming me and the baby.  I think it’s just something I need to deal with, and let go of.  I have made the best possible choice I could make for us, and I have to own that, and let the fear go.

My husband will be deployed when the baby is born.  That just adds to the fear.  I know I can do it alone, and I have many friends who have had babies while their husbands were overseas.  It’s just that darkness that seems to still have a hold on my brain.  It keeps creeping in, and reminding me of what has happened in the past.  It strangles my confidence, ties it up, duct tapes it shut, and throws it in the closet.

This fear needs to be tossed in that closet instead.  I don’t need it, nor do I want it.  I have taken steps to ensure an easier pregnancy, birth, and life after, mentally speaking.  I know the signs and symptoms, and I know where to seek help.  I have a huge support circle now, and feel good about that.  I just have to let the fear go, fight it away.  If I don’t, that darkness is going to creep in, and start taking over again.  I can’t let that happen.

I wont let that happen without a fight.

I just need to be as confident as this kitty.

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6 thoughts on “I’m Not Gonna Lie…(The Fear)

  1. I am very proud of you for really oetting it all out and being so candid. It takes a ton of courage and strength to verbalize these fears and concerns. Kudos to you for being so brave!

  2. it is really hard to admit you need the help of an anti-depressant, i should know, i need them too. i would be really scared if my husband was being deployed, you are a strong woman.

  3. Yes – the kitty photo. Don’t give up this fight. You can do this and you are a strong woman for making it as far as you have. When your husband is deployed, you will still be able to do it because you will have to, and you will. Trust in yourself. Trust in your faith.

    Depression is an evil that wraps itself around us and doesn’t want to let go – but the only way we can keep on keeping on is our inner strength. You might not think it’s there, but it is. It’s what holds us together and keeps us fighting the fight.

    That kitty can do it, so can we. 😉

  4. i love the last line of this blog. you do have a big challenge ahead of you, but like they say, knowing is half the battle. you are going in prepared to fight for yourself and your children. it’s a good fight.

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