Why me? Why was I chosen to bear this heavy sadness?
It doesn’t look as if this pregnancy will be better than my first. I didn’t deal with the depression then. It was nice and waited until after kiddo was born to start creeping in. This past week has proven rough for me. I have been fighting the sadness that all too often finds it way in my head. It seems as if no amount of pills can keep it away. It comes without warning, and stays without invite.
It’s not like I haven’t felt joy and happiness since finding out I am pregnant. It just reminds me of when I started to feel the sadness after kiddo was born. I felt joy and happiness with kiddo, but that sadness and darkness took over. It made me feel indifferent, even though I could feel that love. It also made me feel angry and sad. Thankfully right now, all I feel is the sadness.
However, why does it always come to visit when I least want it to? Not that there is ever a time that I want it around, mind you, but it always comes at inconvenient times. Like now, and after kiddo was born.
I do my best to fight it, like going outside to play with kiddo. I try to enjoy the time I spend playing board games or Barbie’s with her, because I do not want that darkness to take over. I don’t want that voice in my head telling me how pathetic I am, and how I do not deserve any inkling of happiness. I don’t need it telling me how everyone’s life would be better without me, like it used to.
I lied before. I do feel anger, but not towards anyone. I feel it towards the depression. I am angry it keeps coming back, and that it never has truly been gone. I am furious that it makes me feel helpless and insecure, along with the sadness. I know depression affects many people, but I cant help but yell “Why me?!” inside my head, like it’s the only way the depression will hear me. Why did it choose me suddenly, and why did it choose me after such a joyous occasion (kiddo’s birth)? Why has it continued to stalk me, and take jabs at me whenever it’s convenient for it?
I don’t want to have to up my dosage of medications. I’m already concerned with how it’s affecting the baby now, the stress will be even greater with a larger dose. I know staying on them is the only option I have at this point, but it’s so disappointing that they aren’t working as effectively as they did before.
I need to talk to my doctor, I think. I should probably get a referral out to a new therapist, or just call the office I used to go to and request a different therapist. I need to listen to my own advice. I am always telling women like me to seek help, that there is no shame in it. I am not ashamed, just nervous. Nervous about harming my baby more, whether it’s with a higher dosage, or with untreated depression.
I need to do something. I have too much to face over the next few months to just try to push it aside. I will do something about it, but I still can’t shake that question.