Why me? Why was I chosen to bear this heavy sadness?

Why me?  Why was I chosen to bear this heavy sadness?

It doesn’t look as if this pregnancy will be better than my first.  I didn’t deal with the depression then.  It was nice and waited until after kiddo was born to start creeping in.  This past week has proven rough for me.  I have been fighting the sadness that all too often finds it way in my head.  It seems as if no amount of pills can keep it away.  It comes without warning, and stays without invite.

It’s not like I haven’t felt joy and happiness since finding out I am pregnant.  It just reminds me of when I started to feel the sadness after kiddo was born.  I felt joy and happiness with kiddo, but that sadness and darkness took over.  It made me feel indifferent, even though I could feel that love.  It also made me feel angry and sad.  Thankfully right now, all I feel is the sadness.

However, why does it always come to visit when I least want it to?  Not that there is ever a time that I want it around, mind you, but it always comes at inconvenient times.  Like now, and after kiddo was born.

I do my best to fight it, like going outside to play with kiddo.  I try to enjoy the time I spend playing board games or Barbie’s with her, because I do not want that darkness to take over.  I don’t want that voice in my head telling me how pathetic I am, and how I do not deserve any inkling of happiness.  I don’t need it telling me how everyone’s life would be better without me, like it used to.

I lied before.  I do feel anger, but not towards anyone.  I feel it towards the depression.  I am angry it keeps coming back, and that it never has truly been gone.  I am furious that it makes me feel helpless and insecure, along with the sadness.  I know depression affects many people, but I cant help but yell “Why me?!” inside my head, like it’s the only way the depression will hear me.  Why did it choose me suddenly, and why did it choose me after such a joyous occasion (kiddo’s birth)?  Why has it continued to stalk me, and take jabs at me whenever it’s convenient for it?

I don’t want to have to up my dosage of medications.  I’m already concerned with how it’s affecting the baby now, the stress will be even greater with a larger dose.  I know staying on them is the only option I have at this point, but it’s so disappointing that they aren’t working as effectively as they did before.

I need to talk to my doctor, I think.  I should probably get a referral out to a new therapist, or just call the office I used to go to and request a different therapist.  I need to listen to my own advice.  I am always telling women like me to seek help, that there is no shame in it.  I am not ashamed, just nervous.  Nervous about harming my baby more, whether it’s with a higher dosage, or with untreated depression.

I need to do something.  I have too much to face over the next few months to just try to push it aside.  I will do something about it, but I still can’t shake that question.

Why me?


11 thoughts on “Why me? Why was I chosen to bear this heavy sadness?

  1. Ah hun, I am so sorry that the darkness is seeping in. I found my second pregnancy extremely difficult. I became angry, paranoid, sad, disconnected and exhausted with feeling all those things and then feeling nothing at all. It got even darker after my little man arrived.

    I am proud of you. You are talking about it. You are taking steps to care for yourself. You recognize it. Make that phone call to your doctor. Talk about your options, work out a plan that is best for you and your baby.

    I can’t give you an answer as to why you. Just know that you are not alone.

  2. I have felt this way many times too. Why couldn’t I just have been born optimistic and prone to see the bright side of things? Why do I have to be so cynical and mean to myself? Then I get mad b/c I feel like I should be able to push this aside and that I’m making myself miserable.

    I hope you make that phone call and get the hope and healing you deserve. That we all deserve.

  3. There is no answer to the why. Why is a tool of the depression. When we wonder why, we allow the darkness to grab hold. Instead, hold onto to those good moments, and try not to let the fear win. Keep sharing those feelings. I have found simply by expressing the dark thoughts, they no longer have the same power over me. Try to lighten your daily loads if possible, your most important job right now is being mom and staying healthy. This time of year is rough for many people anyway, add hormones and depression, and it is understandable what you feel. But you are amazing, and are giving your daughter the best gift of all, a sibling – a lifelong comrade and confidant. You are strong, I know this from your other posts, and you will get through this.

  4. I’m so sorry the sadness is here again. I understand your concern over your meds…but I definitely believe talking to your doctor is the healthiest thing to do fur you and the baby at this stage. Have you talked to Susan from Learned Happiness? I’m sure having just went through this she could offer sound advice and encouragement. Love you tons.

  5. I am a fool, and I know nothing, but I have noticed that you quite often lean this new pregnancy against the last. I’m not too sure if that’s the best route to take as this time is this, not last.
    This time can be different. It might not, but it CAN. And I would hate it to be the same simply because it felt it was “supposed to be”.

    God bless you through the darkness. Depression is a miserable bitch. You’re stronger. I know you can get through it. I know it…

  6. I am so sorry that you’re having a rough go. You shouldn’t have to endure this…no one should…during a time that’s supposed to be happy.
    I often question why me…it’s not fair.
    I’m glad that you’re doing other things to help keep your moods up and that you’re reaching out. So proud of you.
    I know that you’ll kick this in the rump.

  7. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I can tell you I was in the same boat with this last pregnancy. With my first I was so happy and had no issues, needed no medication. With this baby I was depressed throughout and needed to stay on my meds. I think a lot of it was because I knew in my heart that I was going to experience PPD again, and I never wanted to experience those feelings again in my life. And the worst did happen, and I do have PPD again, but 5 months in I am doing better and slowly recovering. Things will get better, I promise! Hugs!

  8. Sending you huge hugs. Talk to your doctor; that is what they are there for. I would recommend checking out Katie Sluiter’s blog also; she struggled with antenatal depression.

  9. You know the right things to do–please see a therapist once a week. Maybe instead of a doseage increase, you could try a new med altogether? It sounds like you’re doing everything right & good, so please don’t beat yourself up. Big hugs to you today & every day.

  10. I have postpartum depression and I probably had it while being pregnant since I found out my baby was special needs and she’s my fourth! I’m overwhelmed and overworked. You aren’t alone. Being depressed in pregnancy is the hardest and I can’t offer you a way out. I wish I had the answers, our hormones are crazy and it really is so much different with having someone else to take care of at the same time. Hang in there and believe in yourself, even if you have to lie.

  11. Reading the other comments on this post makes me think there’s not much more I can add as I’m going through a similar thing (although all of our depressions are unique I believe, that is the evil of it). But just to reiterate from the above posts:
    -you are not alone
    – big hugs to you ((((HUG!))))
    -Keep fighting against it. Don’t give up.

    This is all advice I can use myself, so I’m just glad we are sharing instead of holding it all in and trying to fight it alone. As that is the “why me” part of it that sucks you down into the deep, dark hole. Good luck to you, and know that you are not alone. Read mooshinindy’s blog. Go to the titled section that says “The Good Stuff” and then under that “Depression.” Reading her writing has helped me alot.

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