I’ve been gone for a while, and I do not know how long I will be around this time. I just feel the need to write right now. Did you miss me? 🙂
I am almost 24 weeks along in my pregnancy with my second child. Her name is Lauren Elise. I’m so nervous about having another child to care for, but so excited to grow our family. I know my oldest daughter is so excited to be a big sister, and I know little Lauren will fit in nicely. This pregnancy has been different from my first. I have been exhausted the entire time it seems, heartburn, and major restless legs at night. That could be why I am exhausted. 🙂
It was kind of rough going mentally at first, with my changing hormones and chemistry. However, the past couple of months have been great. I feel clear-headed, happy, and dare I say it, normal. However, tonight I am questioning what is normal. Am I really feeling normal, or is my brain playing tricks on me? I have spent this entire chapter of parenthood in a nasty fog and cloud that I do not know what feeling and emotions are normal. Is getting frustrated with my child because she tore up paper all over the couch normal? Is not wanting to play Lalaloopsy all the time with her normal? Are those nights when you’re happy bedtime has come normal? I have no idea!
I thought all of this was normal, but sometimes someone says something that makes me question everything. Actually, it more like I let people’s words influence how I feel, and let them get into my brain and heart. This is when the confusion sets in. I have been feeling so good, I never questioned if what I was feeling was normal. Then someone says something that makes me feel as if I am being judged for something that was unintentional, and then I start questioning everything because I let my feelings get hurt.
It’s tough going through life now having to relearn how to feel, and if those feelings are typical for a certain situation. It’s difficult not knowing if wanting to send my child to bed early because she is driving me bat-shit crazy is normal, or if it’s my anxiety and depression talking. I’m trying to learn, but it’s hard to relearn something when you’re overly sensitive, and let other people’s words effect you. I should work on that.
I suppose one day I will know figure it all out. I’m just tired of this feeling of uncertainty creeping in. I was so sure I was doing great, and I probably am, but the uncertainty happens when I let someone get to me. Why do I let them make me rethink everything I have learned about my issues, and all the options that come with it? While we’re at it, what is normal for parenthood? 😛
Oh, and by the way, I hate the word normal. It’s the only word I could think of though. I should invest in a thesaurus.